Finding My Voice Again
Over the last 18 months, I completely fell over. I let all the things that bring me joy and happiness fall to the way side because they just didn’t bring that joy to me anymore. Rather, they felt like a chore, and that included blogging and social media. What was my creative outlet, putting my inspiration into something tangible that I could be proud of and share with the world, was now a tedious task that I just couldn’t be fucked with. I lost myself.
And it hurt. It ached as I longed for something that I couldn’t quite understand was gone or why, but what I was missing wasn’t the actual process of content create and writing, it was my energy and mindset. What used to be my driving force that pushed me out of bed every day, that kept me up late to get it done, that saw me trying to hustle ever damn day to make it happen, had just disappeared.
I became a victim of our societies, and my own pressure to think and be positive all the time, and in my constant avoidance of natural waves of emotions that involve sadness, negativity and sometimes just thinking “fuck everything!” I ended up manifesting it. I focused so much on trying to see the silver lining and trying not to be sad because I was so scared of my past experiences with it, that I literally made this happen by letting fear determine my actions.
I beat myself up about it for so long too. Instead of just feeling pain, I also made myself suffer by being angry at myself for feeling this way. Welcome to what Mark Manson refers to as "the feedback loop from hell." You feel crap and then make yourself feel worse through guilt and judgement of feeling crap, and the cycle continues.
Sometimes, there are just bad times, weeks, months. And we can try to always be looking for the positives, but in reality, we are then constantly ignoring a huge and vital part of life where we grow and learn; hardship. Not every day is sunshine and rainbows with dancing unicorns farting fairy floss. Some days, you are Eeyore and there is a giant grey cloud that follows you wherever you go that you just can't find an umbrella for. AND THAT'S OKAY.
Again, to paraphrase Mark Manson, author of "The subtle art of not giving a fuck,” (Which I highly recommend reading/listening to. it's amazing!), constantly searching for a positive experience is in itself a negative experience, because you're never appreciating what you do have and learning from the bad times, and accepting your negative experiences, is itself a positive experience as you are relinquishing control and understanding that sometimes, shit happens... Mind fuck, but true.
I've started to re-evaluate what brings me joy and what makes me happy. I have started to make more time and prioritise these things, like travel and being spontaneous, which I have never really been good at. I have started to put myself first and understand that work is work and it will always be there, somethings are more important. And I am learning to appreciate the good in everyday rather than living for the weekend, and to give less fucks about other people’s opinions and judgements.
So, I am just going to do me for a while, and see how that treats me, and in the process of making that decision, I am finding my voice again, which must be a sign I am on the right track!
Have you lost your voice before? How did you find it or are you yet to? Share with me in the comments, and let's help each other on our journey back towards ourselves and our happiness.