Why I am a Hypocrite.
As I sit here writing, I have just finished crying because I couldn't find the podcasts I had saved in my library to listen to and got so frustrated by this, that I cried. In reality it's not this annoyance that is making me upset (Seriously, where the fuck do they go when they are saved but not downloaded, for the love of god please someone help me?!), it's me being drained and a bit lost, and happen to be having one of "those days."
I'm in a transition period between where I am and where I want to be, and not 100% sure of how to get there, and that leaves me feeling quite unfulfilled when I don't see some tangible direction or steps being taken. It also means that change is happening in that change there is discomfort because I don't feel like I am aligned with where I want to be. My momentum and my head are pretty much there, I feel like I should be living it now, but my day to day doesn't match up.
And so I have days where I feel like I am wasting my time, others are wasting my time, draining my energy, but it's because I don't really know what the fuck to do with my energy! Just dreaming of escaping to the beach, my happy place. And today is one of those days.
So, me not finding the podcasts that I had saved, made me cry. My inbox is overwhelming me because I just don't want to answer the emails I am getting. The tasks ahead of me seem super tedious and redundant. The event I have on tonight which I was so excited for now sees like a chore having to put on a smile and "network," making small talk which I HATE! And I am beating myself up about the fact that I feel this way.
This is why I am a hypocrite. I even was messaging two friends this morning about taking it slow, being kind to themselves and that it's okay to have bad days, and yet here I am not taking my own advice or listening to the lessons that I have learned. So, instead, this is how I will tackle the day:
- I am not trying to power through and make myself feel worse when I don't achieve the workload I feel like I should.
- I am making a list of things that I NEED to get done today and ticking them off slowly which helps me feel like I have been productive.
- <----- I am ordered myself a peanut butter smoothie, because what doesn't peanut butter fix?!
- I am allowing myself to be okay with having a slow day.
- Making space for "me time" tonight and instead of forcing myself into a situation where I will more likely than not feel incredibly uncomfortable, I am going to go home, have a hot shower put a face mask on and do some writing.
Do you have days like this? And how do you handle these days?